Sandi and Bobbi

Sandi and Bobbi Cote-Whitacre

Sandi (left) and Bobbi (right) Cote-Whitacre, both 58, of Essex Junction, Vermont, met in 1967 in the Women’s Army Corps, while stationed at Fort McClellan in Alabama. Their "dates" centered on a little coffee shop near the post. “I knew after our third date, this was the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life,” said Sandi. They began planning a future together and talked through all the issues couples do who are about to embark on a lifetime commitment. In February 1968, on a three-day pass to Atlanta, Georgia, they purchased rings and held a private ceremony to celebrate their love. Now 38 years later, they still love each other, but remain completely vulnerable because their relationship is not legally recognized.

Sandi and Bobbi have done what they legally can to protect themselves including securing Durable Power of Attorney and Medical Power of Attorney documents, creating living wills and receiving a Civil Union in 2000, yet they still encounter challenges to their financial and medical security because they are not fully protected by a marriage license.

These concerns came to a head when Sandi was misdiagnosed with cancer and her doctor refused to allow Bobbi in to discuss treatment options. They promptly changed doctors, but the lesson endured. “If we had been married, the doctor never would have treated us that way,” said Bobbi. “He would have understood that couples make medical decisions together, leaning on each other, all the while, for support.”

The couple has faced significant financial insecurity following the collapse of a small grocery store they ran for five years in Vermont. Bobbi’s mother now lives with them, and they hope to purchase a home that will accommodate all of their needs better than their rented home. Nonetheless, whether as renters or home owners, the surviving spouse would face significant hardship without receiving the survivor benefits that would automatically flow to a surviving spouse through marriage.

Sandi now works as a Management Analyst for the Security Office of the Homeland Security Department, while Bobbi takes care of her elderly mother at home. Sandi and Bobbi were married in Provincetown, Massachusetts on May 17, 2004.