The Secret to Their Success: ‘Us’ is Bigger Than ‘Me’
Tommy Beale & Gerard Hayward
It was April 1977, the off-season in Provincetown, and a waiter at the Back Room disco had just spilled a tray of White Russians on Tommy Beale.
That’s when Tommy decided to finally approach Gerard Hayward, whom he had spotted several times on Commercial Street earlier in the day. “When the White Russians happened,” Tommy recalls, “I just said, Oh what the hell, I might as well go and ask him to dance. What can he do but turn me down?”
That’s exactly what happened. Gerard told Tommy he was too tired to dance. They continued to chat though, and exchanged phone numbers. Their first date was for drinks at the Rainbow Room in Boston, the start of a relationship that spans more than three decades and encompasses their civil union in 2000 and their wedding in 2004.
So what’s the secret to their longevity?
“Once you get a joint checking account, they can’t get rid of you,” says Gerard, laughing.
More seriously, Tommy says it’s a question they get asked a lot. He’s concluded that “the most important thing is, if you seriously want a relationship to last … you have to at some point get to the understanding that ‘us’ is bigger than ‘me.’” In other words, he and Gerard realized “it was worth giving up and changing a few things and learning some new things, so that you build things that are common to the couple instead of always expecting that he’s going to want everything I want and I’m going to want everything he wants, because that never works out.”
Blatherwick, the third in a succession of beloved Golden Retrievers, is but one example of those critical commonalities. “I had a Siamese cat that terrorized everybody when we first met, including Tommy,” says Gerard. “But about four, five years into things, Tom’s mother presented us with a Golden Retriever puppy. I said, ‘I’ll even walk it for you once in a while,’ he jokes. “Well, of course we immediately turned into doting parents.”
Tommy, 56, and Gerard, 58, live on the North Shore. They enjoy life as a married couple but DOMA is a constant reminder that their relationship is still treated differently, at least by the federal government. The law prevents them from filing their federal taxes jointly, as other married couples can, so they’ve paid between $4000-$7000 extra in taxes annually for the six years they’ve been married.
Aside from the financial penalty, “it makes me feel like somehow we don’t count,” says Gerard. “When we were first together never did we think there’d ever be the remotest possibility of marriage. We got a Vermont civil union as soon as that became legal. Then we got the marriage the day that became legal. And you start thinking of yourself as gee, it’s not so bad. But then you run into the feds, and it’s still bad.”
As they near retirement age, Tommy is also concerned that DOMA would prevent Gerard from receiving Social Security survivor benefits should Tommy pass away, as other surviving spouses can. This is particularly worrisome given that for about the past 20 years, Tommy, a program manager at Raytheon, has been the sole wage earner, while Gerard manages their household. That means Gerard’s Social Security benefit will be significantly lower than Tommy’s when they retire. The loss of Tommy’s Social Security benefits should he pass away would leave Gerard in a very difficult financial situation, since, like many couples, they’re following the “three-legged stool” model of retirement – and plan to support themselves with personal savings, pension, and Social Security. “So you take away the Social Security if I shouldn’t be around and one of the legs is completely missing,” says Tommy.
DOMA’s demise would give them peace of mind as they plan for their future. “The benefits a legally married couple gets would be extended to us,” says Tommy, “and many of those benefits have been designed over time to make life a little bit more comfortable, remove the anxiety, and formalize the fact that you have certain legal rights for each other.”
“That, for me, is the big thing,” adds Gerard. “To achieve a measure of security that does not exist right now.”
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